Few of us like a Monday Morning, but Amebo Pulse does for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.
We are here again, and today I just want to say thank you for all your prayers from last week. Today we have gists. Plenty gist. Enough to make you resign from your work, pack your bags and jump into Amebo Republic for a taste of gossip. Una don try. I am proud of una. Pulse.ng is proud of una. If not for all of your night vigil and TGIF gyration, we couldn’t have made this possible. Thank you my people.
And as for those yeye celebrities wey no gree misbehave last week, una try o. God is seeing you all. Una no want make I chop abi? None of una agree thief, drink Alomo, or smoke stolen weed for studio. Nobody agree to pose nude or snap with their dog. Nobody! But this week, heaven smiled on us. Hallelujah! We have enough stories to cause an earthquake in your bumbum. So let’s go there.
Cocky Kenneth Okonkwo
Growing up, my Dad thought me never to brag. The old man, with his silver beards, and a chilled bottle of Star, always told me bragging was for the devil and his cohorts. That good children like me never should boast. Since I trust the man, and was scared of his big adam’s apple that shakes terribly with every gulp of that bitter beer, I decided never to brag. So when I carry last for school, I no brag. When they demote me from Primary 4 to Primary 2, because say I no sabi ABCD…Z, I still did not beat my chest and say “Listen up! I got demoted.”. I didn’t because my father flogged my yansh that day. And made me promise to read my books. But I still did not brag. I got my first kiss, and I didn’t brag, neither did I announce my first ‘you know na’.
But since I got sentenced to be your official gossiper, I have heard these celebrities brag for life. This people sabi brag! They buy new car, they brag. Buy new canvas, them brag. Shave their armpits, they brag. Boob job nko, they go still brag. They smoke weed, they go put am for Instagram. Make e come be say them get small nomination, na so so ‘We rock, we the best, the sky is our beer palour, the moon our headlamp”. No be small thing o. But the most recent braggart (I follow sabi English too, make I brag small) is Kenneth Okonkwo, our Nollywood darling of the 1990’s.
Poor Old Kenneth Okonkwo. Since Nollwood stopped making all those igbotic movies with one over-aged ‘crown prince of Umugaranofeokukwo”, and began to make movies with plenty of sex, these old actors began to rebrand. First, Tony Umez carried his fair nose, and acted one blue film called Room 027, just to make small pay, and stop auditioning for those sick paracetamol adverts wey dey give me headache. Well, for Kenneth Okonkwo, the old man is desperately trying to rebrand as a man for those porn movies. He decided to give an interview to Entertainment Express in Asaba, the city where all pirated movies come from:
“I am strong sexually for 24 hours. My wife knows that. Each time I have an affair with any lady, she goes out to tell her friends, and her friend will end up developing interest in me. So when I married my wife, I told her if she know what’s best for her she should not tell any of her female friends what we do behind closed doors or else she will lose me” Oh yeah? Lol.
He didn’t stop there, Kenneth continued;
“When I was growing up, women older than me were coming for me, right in front of my mother. These women taught me a lot of things. (Like?) I started kissing at a very tender age because it was part of the things they were doing to me, and I loved it. Maybe that is why my lips are red.” (Oh no! he didn’t just say that!)
Kenneth had to tell us about his debut in the bedroom!
“They taught me how to be with women. They would give me their body to play with so I grew up knowing a lot about what women want. Till today, when I am sleeping with a lady(a lady? Why not your wife?) she has to cum before me.(What!!!) I enjoy sex more when the women have enjoyed themselves
OMG! Did Mr. Kenneth Okonkwo forget he was not gisting with his friends in a bar and that he was on talking to the media? What will his wife say? But wait! If he got it, let him flaunt it right?
Hmm…Amebo Pulse no gree. If you check well, Kenneth is old enough to be my father, and I don’t want to hear my father talk about his ‘longevity’ with women. If he takes pride in smashing his genitals against that of other women, then let him keep it to himself. I don’t want to hear. In fact, I am born again!
Moral Of The Story: When you cross 35 years, you are no longer sexy. If at all women still like you, then feel free to become a bedmatician…but no come dey form Spartacus to us. We no wan know. Period!
See you next week jare…Amebo Pulse is tired!
No comments:
Post a Comment